Yet More Observations On Life Between Husband And Wife
Photography by Mike Vickers
Feature photo above: Life at three miles per hour. This handsome steam traction engine chugged past us in Stow-on-the-Wold with literally dozens of irritated motorists crawling along behind. I love to see these stately old machines puff by – but only if I’m not in the tailback…
Here’s another episode in the Observations series, the fourth so far, although I have to tell you the source material for these articles continues to be replenished on a regular basis, so it looks like there’s a few more still in the pipeline. Jan and I don’t go out of our way to manufacture these quips and one-liners, they just happen spontaneously, and if you happen to see me standing stock still in a supermarket aisle furiously typing on my phone, be assured that, unlike the entire population of planet earth, I’m not sending a text, I’m actually jotting down one of our exchanges in my notes just to make sure I’ve secured our interchange, otherwise, I’ll have forgotten everything by the time we wander around to the cheese counter.
Mmm, cheese…
As suspected at the time, I’m happy to report our return to Gloucestershire from Turkey over two years ago has not really impacted on the frequency or quality of these entertaining observations. This is good news, or at least I hope it is for you all, dear patient readers, and so here is the latest crop accompanied, as usual, by some favourite orphan photos unable to find a home elsewhere. Enjoy.
‘Surprisingly eccentric county, is Somerset. It’s where you’ll find Devizes, an up-and-coming high tech hub, Chard, Britain’s premier combustible town, and Watchet, England’s most careful village.’
‘Ooh, I like that,’ enthused Jan.
‘Do you know why stationary shops are the easiest to find?’
‘No, why?’
‘Well, they never move.’
‘Idiot,’ muttered Jan.
‘Yes, but I’m your idiot. Legally. You signed the paperwork. Willingly, as I remember.’
‘I see the government is looking at ways to recalculate our pensions to save money.’
‘It’s the thin wedge of the cherry,’ grumbled Jan, magnificently mixing her metaphors.
‘I see the Met Office has issued a Yellow Snow Warning,’ observed Jan.
‘I would imagine most people are bright enough not to need an official warning to avoid yellow snow. It’s the rule of three – you don’t contribute to it, you don’t touch it, you certainly don’t drink it.’
‘D’you know, I’ve never been sent a dick pick,’ lamented Jan with a somewhat disappointed sigh.
‘Not to worry, love, I’ve never had a fanny scanny.’
‘She had a bad case of RBS and needed the toilet urgently,’ sympathized Jan, subliminally reminding us that the recent behaviour of some banks really has been excrementally awful.
‘Was Davy Crocket a frontiersman?’ asked Jan.
‘He was. Did you know he had a cousin also called Davy Croquette, who was a pastry chef?’
‘I see Scottish businesses are loosing faith in the NLP,’ said Jan, confusing north-of-the-border politics with psychotherapy.
‘I think the wind’s died down a bit,’ mumbled Jan, waking after a stormy winter’s night.
‘Not in bed it hasn’t.’
‘One of my best ever buys was a George Formby Grill,’ said Jan.
‘Really? Did it also clean windows?’
‘I’m sorry to say my abs have now degenerated into flabs.’
‘Aww, I love the way you think you actually once had abs,’ sympathized Jan, patting my arm.
‘Prince wrote Little Red Courgette during his veggy phase.’
Whilst observing surfers on a huge video wall in the reception of a swanky uber cool hotel in Bilbao, ‘Surfing is basically flopping around on your stomach to get in the right position, enjoying a few brief moments of exhilaration followed immediately by outbreaks of dampness in various parts of your body. You know, just like a good shag!’
‘We had three cravats of water.’
‘Don’t you mean carafes?’ replied Jan.
‘Oh, yeah. Sorry, I was distracted by some nearby exotic neckwear.’
‘I don’t know about the proposed Northern Powerhouse being powered by AI, it’s more likely to be powered by, “Aye up, me duck!”’
‘I find cluckoo cocks really weird,’ muttered Jan.
‘And I’m concerned you’re beginning to lose your grasp of basic English.’
While waiting to board a pleasure boat on Loch Katrine in the Trossachs, Jan turned to me. ‘That man’s just told me it’s really cold out on the loch, but if you still want go on top, that’s fine with me.’
‘The last time I heard you say that was on our honeymoon!’
‘Would you like an After Eight?’
‘Mmm, not sure. They’ve been in the cupboard for quite a while,’ replied Jan dubiously.
‘Don’t worry, I’m sure they’re still in mint condition.’
‘People who eat liver support Liverpool and those that eat ham support West Ham,’ commented Brad on The Chase.
‘So what do you think’s on the menu if you’re a supporter of Cockermouth?’
‘I used to spend all my time trying to figure out how to get my rocks off. Now I spend all my time trying to figure how to get my socks off. And there it is, a precise description of ageing created by changing just one letter in a sentence.’
