Observations On Life Between Husband And Wife

Photographs by Mike Vickers

Feature photo above: We came across this in Selcuk. Was it a crime scene? We didn’t hang around to find out!

The title says it all – here’s a collection of off-hand remarks, one-liners and snatches of conversation between Jan and I in the course of our lives together here in Turkey. I particularly remember these because they made us laugh at the time. I hope they bring a smile to you, too. To finish off the article, I’ve browsed through my photo library once again and picked out a few orphan images that have been struggling to find a home elsewhere.

I’ll be adding to these snippets as and when fresh material becomes available – which I can assure you, it will, so sit back and enjoy. If any of you are married, I have no doubt you’ve had many such conversations yourselves…

‘D’you know, one of the very best things about Turkey is that it’s full of Turks!’

‘Surely that’s not a goat riding a moped?’
‘It is, and I’d appreciate it if you’d stop calling me Shirley.’

‘Parking in Turkey is exactly the same as parking in England. Except it isn’t. There’s no element of deliberate vehicle abandonment in England.’

‘You are, of course, fully entitled to your own entirely wrong opinion!’

‘Not all people are stupid. Some are really stupid to bring down the average!’

‘What the hell’s going on?’ We hear this one a lot. And I mean, a lot!

‘I’m going to have a T-shirt printed: I don’t want a jeep safari. I don’t want a kebap. I don’t want to buy a villa!’

‘Turkish drivers are genetically incapable of two things. Parking their cars parallel to the pavement and parking their cars close to the pavement.’
‘What about the cars actually sprawled all over the pavement?’
‘Um, oh yeah. Forgot about those.’

‘I’ve long given up trying to understand what’s going on!’

‘God, that’s a fantastic view. Skegness is really going to have to up its game!’

On turning up at an empty restaurant, at which point our arrival then begins to attract other customers.
‘It’s a common trait. People don’t like turning up at an empty place,’ observed Jan.
‘Except burglars!’

‘In my experience, essentially, regarding its position on the road, in Turkey there is absolutely no discernible difference between a car that’s waiting at the lights, that’s parked or that’s abandoned.’

While driving alongside the shoreline of gorgeous Lake Bafa.
‘And the award for best lake goes to Lake BAFTA.’

‘Husband, I need to train you how to behave around shoe shops.’

On finding Jan lying on the cloakroom floor and wrapped around the loo after a spontaneous lunchtime drinking session got slightly out of hand.
‘Need a pillow, love?’

‘You can increase your chances of getting a shag by 100% if you go bisexual!’

While pausing to admire a particularly attractive black mummy goat sporting a very nice bead tiara.
‘Hello, darling.’
‘You need to get out more!’

‘Husband, you’re looking remarkably tanned.’
‘Thank you. It’s what you get from lots of low level exposure. Like at Chernobyl!’

‘Come on, when was the last time you actually saw seven people riding on a scooter?’
‘Yesterday.’

‘I genuinely can’t tell whether that car’s been parked or abandoned.’
‘Are you talking about that one over there on its roof?’
‘Yes.’
‘Hmm, tricky. Could still be parked.’

On experiencing a bed that’s suddenly started shaking from side to side.
‘That you?’
‘Nope.’
‘Must be an earthquake, then.’

‘I used to go out with a guy called Terry Kettle.’
‘Good job he wasn’t called Terry Towel. You could have cleaned up with him.’

‘Friends are like underpants – choose the right ones and they’re not only comfortable but also last a long time.’

‘Jan, darling, I don’t know what the hell you’ve been doing, but I found a spoon in the bed this morning.’