Are You Really Sure You’re Ready For Some More Observations On Life Between Husband And Wife?
Photographs by Mike Vickers
Feature photo above: One of many lovely summer sunsets over Mendos, the nearest mountain to the hotel which tops out at around 5500 feet. This gorgeous spectacle usually came in two colours – pink or gold. This one’s pink.
Here’s the latest instalment in the Observations series. It’s beginning to resemble one of those Marvel movie franchises that regularly spews out a new production from some super-sized film stage in Hollywood. My own offerings, however, remain very much more modest and personal – and most definitely cheaper!
The thing is, at the moment there appears to be no lack of new material being generated between Jan and I – and I can assure you my photo library still contains a sumptuous number of images dedicated to the weird and wonderful – so there’s likely to be a few more episodes in the not too distant future.
So, here we go again. I hope you enjoy these little snippets of conversation which are, as always, accompanied by a selection of orphan photos relieved at last to have found a home, this time taken entirely from my Yakamoz Hotel archives ranging back to the early 2000s. These images give you a glimpse of our lives back in the day, including our preparations for the upcoming season. Enjoy.
‘I’d love an outdoor kitchen but I don’t think we’ll ever be able to afford one,’ lamented Jan.
‘Well, if we get a gas explosion then you’ll get one for free.’
‘We’ll have a bath when we get home,’ said Jan. ‘It’ll help us dry out.’
‘I had a strange dream last night,’ said Jan.
‘Oh yeah? Most of your dreams are spectacularly weird so you’ll have to narrow it down a bit.’
‘Well, we were on holiday, came across an elite car dealership, went in a bought this amazing car.’
‘Was it powerful and throaty?’
‘Yes it was, but we were on holiday and couldn’t possibly afford it.’
‘Relax. I think you’ll find dreams have absolutely no relationship at all with the harsh reality of finances. You know, just like politicians.’
‘I thought she said we’d meet at The Cross Keys and she thought we were meeting at The Cross Hands,’ explained Jan.
‘Whereas you were both actually visiting The Cross Purposes.’
‘Sorry,’ said Jan, ‘I was looking for something online, got distracted and wandered way off topic.’
‘Don’t worry about it, you’re just being wonderfully human. Aye Eye would never do that – it would need to be programmed to do what we all do so naturally and effortlessly.’
While watching The Chase, Brad asked, ‘What pop group is named after a sticking plaster?’
‘Elastoplast,’ declared Jan confidently.
‘Band Aid.’
‘Dammit.’
‘What’s an assassin’s favourite drink?’
‘No idea,’ replied jan wearily.
‘Shots.’
Having just received our annual winter Covid and flu shots, I serenaded the nurse with the classic Bill Hayley hit:
‘See you later vaccinator,
In a while, sterile vial.’
Relaxing with a cup of tea after breakfast in an Eastbourne guest house, ‘Well, we started together and finished together, but the bit in the middle was a right free for all.’
‘Just like sex,’ observed Jan, sipping her brew.
‘Take me to Morrisons!’ declared Jan.
‘So you’ve given up on Antigua, then?’
‘You can’t wear double breasted coats if you have big tits,’ asserted Jan.
‘I find that a somewhat ironic observation.’
‘D’you know, I’m one of those really lucky people. When I was young I looked like Mike Vickers, but as I’ve got older I’ve started to look more and more like George Clooney.’
‘I wish,’ muttered Jan wistfully.
‘Yeah, so do I.’
‘What’s wrong?’ I asked as mutterings drifted out of the bathroom on a waft of steam.
‘I’ve run out of body mist.’
‘So you’re pissed you missed your mist.’
‘That’s the gist.’
‘What was the name of that character played by Hayley Mills? You know, the one where she sees the good in everyone,’ asked Jan.
‘Pollyanna.’
‘That’s it.’
‘You do know she also had a cousin who was a decorator. Her name was Polyfilla.’
An early morning hair assessment by Jan as she stood in front of the bedroom mirror with brush in hand, ‘It’s uncontrollable once it’s got a length on it.’
‘Just like my willy.’
‘What are young starlings called?’ asked Jan.
‘Starlets.’
‘You’re joking!’
‘Of course I am, but I think you’ll find starlings are actually also called sheepstares.’
‘Can’t you take anything seriously?’
‘Look it up and prepare to apologize profusely. Again.’
‘D’you know, I never watched The Royle Family on the TV. I didn’t find it at all funny.’
‘Nor me,’ said Jan.
‘Not that I don’t like watching a TV programme about people watching TV. Gogglebox is great.’
‘Love it,’ affirmed Jan.
‘And what’s your current attitude towards sport? Still hate it more than me?’
‘Absolutely, although I’m prepared to acknowledge it’s a close run thing.’
‘Thought so. Weird how we both always either like or dislike the same things. It’s as if our marriage menses are permanently in synch.’
Jan just looked at me. ‘I simply cannot stress enough just how disturbing that sounds.’
‘Funnily enough, I entirely agree.’
‘Ooh, I’ve got in itchy snitch,’ observed Jan, vigorously rubbing her nose.
‘Marginally better than a scratchy snatch, I would imagine!’
While watching television, ‘Crikey, he’s got some muscle on him!’
‘Not surprising , he’s an athlete and a TV Gladiator,’ Jan replied dreamily.
‘Would it make me more attractive to you if I told you I’m actually a gladiator in training.’
‘What?’
‘It’s true, but until qualified, you’re only allowed to call me a gladioli.’
‘The thing is, everyone has their own four boils,’ declared our friend Bill.
‘What?’
‘Four boils.’
‘Don’t you mean everyone has their own foibles.’
‘Er, yeah, that does make more sense.’
You see, dear patient readers, it’s not just Jan and I.
